I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
