I didn't shave. On purpose
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
