If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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