We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
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