Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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