I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
