I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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