If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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