THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
