I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
