im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
