i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
