this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
