EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
