i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
