He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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