I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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