Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
