Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
