I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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