the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
40s are totally the cure
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
