it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
