My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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