you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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