god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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