i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
