Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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