I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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