you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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