my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Girls should come with a carfax report
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
