he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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