I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
