wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
