The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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