after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
