whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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