I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
you inspire me to be a worse person
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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