my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
