you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
