i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
