i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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