life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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