dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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