i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Even my vagina gasped.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
