I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
