My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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