I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
