I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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