glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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