cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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