I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
