I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
