Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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