I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
