He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
