can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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