I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.