my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.