So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..