do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
