how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
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