i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
