I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
