i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
