nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
