Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
