My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
