He asked to "fluff my boner.."
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
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One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
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Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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