i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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