I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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