I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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